


A Conversation

by Serade



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Angst, Fear, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Magic Health, Permanent Injury, Soul Magic, Trauma, Violence, anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:42:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28771023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serade/pseuds/Serade
Summary: When his magic keeps acting up, Laxus is referred to a specialist. During the exploration of his soul, he finds himself going on a trip down memory lane that he would have gladly skipped. Just why do the memories of Bickslow unsettle him so?
Relationships: Bickslow/Laxus Dreyar
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	1. Connection

**Author's Note:**

> I've been meaning to start writing author's notes. It's been pointed out to me by a few people that they would find it pleasant if I did. So let me make a suitably dramatic entrance and tell you why this fic came to be. 
> 
> After landing at the psych emergency room a few weeks back, I've been referred for some therapy again. That served as an inspiration here. I imagined how distinctly uncomfortable and bitter Laxus would be to have someone poking around his very private life.
> 
> And when I say emergency room, I mean a cold as fuck container outside the hospital, because it's great timing to have issues during a pandemic. Well well, I'd rather keep laughing at this sort of mess. Be safe all ♡

“Tell me a little bit about yourself.”

“Didn’t the healer share his notes?”

“Of course, but I would like to hear from you. I want to get my own picture of you.”

Laxus sighed deeply. “Fine. What do you want to know?”

“Where were you born?”

“Here. This hospital.”

“And you have lived in Magnolia all your life?”

“Yea.” Laxus exhaled a little harder, and added, “Almost.”

“Where else have you lived?”

“I was travelling for a while.”

“Tell me about that.”

Laxus averted his eyes. “I was exiled from the guild and left to travel. I wanted to see the world again, anew. So I did. And I found some interesting sparring partners along the way. It was a good way to grow. I probably should have done it much earlier.”

“I heard about your exile. What brought this on?”

“You don’t know?”, Laxus questioned.

“I would like you to tell me.”

Laxus crossed his arms over his chest. “I tried to take over the guild.”

“Why is that?”

“I thought I could make it stronger. I thought we had gone weak.”

“And it is important to be strong.”

“It is.”

“Why is it important?”

“Because without strength, you cannot protect your family.”

“What do you need to protect your family from?”

“The world.”

“The world?”

“Yea. The world”, Laxus repeated, raising his voice ever so little.

“I see. Is there any specific instance where you felt that you had to do this?”

Laxus huffed indelicately. “Is there?”

“Give me some examples please. I am afraid I don’t follow guild events much.”

“The attacks on Fiore. The invasion of the dragons in Crocus. The…”

“But these were after your attempt to take over the guild, right?”

“So?”

“Surely these did not motivate your attempt to take over? Do you have any examples from before?”

Laxus grumbled a little. He thought for a moment. “Raven Tail.”

“What is Raven Tail?”

“A dark guild.”

“And they attacked your family?”

Laxus nodded. “He did.”

“Who?”

“Their leader.” Laxus hesitated again. “My father.”

“Your father leads a dark guild?”

Laxus nodded. “He created Raven Tail after Gramps threw him out. He specifically created that guild to fight Fairy Tail.”

“How come your grandfather decided to exile him?”

“He…” Laxus swallowed hard. He touched the scar going across his eye. “He gave me this.”

“He hurt you?”

Laxus opened his mouth to answer, but then frowned and closed it again. He let his gaze loose focus somewhere in the middle of the room. Eventually, he found something to say. “He made me stronger.”

“How did he make you stronger?”

“He implanted a lacrima in me.”

“Ah. How old where you then?”

“Ten. I think. Something like that. My memory can be a bit hazy at times.”

“That is quite common. Did you have a choice in this lacrima implant?”

“I thought I did.”

“Could you elaborate on that?”

Laxus leaned back and sighed. “I remember he asked me if I wanted to become stronger, and I said yes.”

“Did he ask if you want the larcirma?”

“Not in so many words. I knew what he was doing before he did it, though.”

“Do you think you were able to really understand what your father was doing at that time?”

“Of course not. I was a child”, Laxus huffed.

“How do you feel about having this lacrima?”

Laxus shrugged. “What is there to feel about it? It is there.”

“Would you have said yes if you had been asked about the implant today?”

“What a stupid question”, Laxus scoffed.

“Why is this a stupid question?”

“Because it doesn’t make any sense.”

“How is that?”

“It is irrelevant. I am not being asked today. I have it. It happened. Whatever I would have done is moot. I wouldn't be the same person. Nothing would be the same. So it is a stupid question.”

“I see. My intention with this stupid question was to understand what emotions you associate with the lacrima.”

Laxus huffed.

“Are you saying that you have no negative nor positive emotions regarding it?”

Laxus shrugged.

“Very well. What about other family members?”

“What about them?”

“Who is there?”

Laxus sighed. “My mother died when I was little. I have no contact to my family on my mother’s side. I never knew my grandmother on father’s side.”

“How would you describe your relationship with your grandfather? He is the guild master, right?”

“Yea. He is…” Laxus waved a hand non-committally. “Nice.”

“Nice?”

“Yea.”

“Can you tell me a little more? How is he nice?”

“He cares about people.”

“Does he care about you?”

“Of course. We are family.”

“I see. So you care about him as well.”

“Obviously.”

“Would you say that you are close?”

“Somewhat.”

“Tell me about that.”

“We support each other. We protect each other. He cares. He tries.”

“He tries to do what?”

“To help.”

“You?”

“Among others.”

“Do you feel that he as enough time and energy to help you when he is also leading the guild and helping others?”

Laxus frowned deeply. “What do you mean?”

“Do you ever feel like you would have liked a little more attention from him?”

Laxus shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

“No.”

“Are you married?”

“No.”

“Any significant other?”

“No.”

“Anyone you like?”

Laxus scoffed in answer. “What does it matter?”

“I am just trying to get an idea of you and your life. If you do not want to answer, you do not have to.”

“Then I don’t want to answer.”

“Alright. Is there any specific reason why you don’t feel comfortable talking about this?”

Laxus glared across the room. “No”, he lied.

“Maybe we can return to it at a later time. Do you have any close friends?”

“Yea.”

“Would you mind telling me a little about them?”

“The people I am closest with are my team. Bickslow, Freed, and Evergreen. They are strong and work well together. They are far too loud, but they are family.”

“How did you meet them?”

“Evergreen was part of our guild already as a kid. Mirajane and I helped her train.”

“Who is Mirajane?”

“S-class mage. She bartends mostly, though. She is nosy as hell, but she is strong.”

“It sounds like you respect her.”

“I do.”

“But?”

“She is a bit too…intense.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think she likes me.”

“But you do not like her?”

“I like her just fine, but not… You know.”

“I am afraid I do not know. Would you mind telling me?”

“She is beautiful and all but I am not in love with her. I could never be.”

“Why could you never be?”

Laxus groaned irritably. “Can we move on?”

“Okay. Let us move on. You were telling me about your team.”

“Hm. Freed joined our guild as a teenager. Gramps put us up to spar a lot, since Freed was very strong for his age. He thought it would be good for us to have someone our own age to practise with.”

“And you became friends during training?”

“I guess so. We learned a lot about each other. Fighting side by side brings you together.”

“I see. And what about the third member of your team?”

“Bickslow. We found him at the Midi boarder.”

“You found him?”

“He was being attacked. We defended him.”

“Who was attacking him?”

“His village.”

“Why did they do that?”

“Because of his magic. He is a soul mage.”

“And they did not approve of this?”

“They were terrified of him.”

“But you weren’t?”

“No. He is strong, but not stronger than me.”

“I see. So because you are stronger than him, you are not afraid of him?”

“That’s right.”

“Would you be scared of him if he were stronger than you?”

“That is another stupid question. He is not.”

“How do you know?”

“We have been sparring for years. I know.”

“How would you define strength?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just what I said. I would like you to define the word ‘strength’ to me.”

“Strength is the ability to defeat your opponent.”

“And the opponent in this situation is?”

“Anyone trying to harm my family or standing in my way.”

“Your way to what?”

“Whatever it may be. A mission. A goal.”

“I see.”

“You think that is silly.”

“I don’t. I find it interesting.”

“Interesting?”

“You seem very focused on protecting.”

“And?”

“And nothing. I am still trying to learn more about you. Anyone else in the guild you are close with?”

“Not particularly.” Laxus leaned his head back. “I mean, of course I care about everyone at the guild. We are family. But I don’t really…connect.”

“Can you elaborate on that?”

“Everyone seems so close. They know so much about each other. They spend a lot of time together and talk a lot.”

“Everyone at the guild?”

“Most of them. Except Gajeel maybe.”

“Gajeel?”

“Gajeel Redfox. He came over from Phantom Lord.”

“The disbanded guild?”

“Yea.”

“You had a fight with them, did you not?”

“We did. Though, I wasn’t really there for it.”

“I see. Is Gajeel strong?”

“Somewhat.”

“I sense that you are holding something back.”

“Is that so?”

“I see other emotions in you at the moment. Why don’t you tell me about them?”

“If you can see it already, then why do I need to say anything?”, Laxus asked irritably.

“I prefer if you tell me what you are thinking. I can only try to guide you. You have to do the work.”

Laxus groaned. “He is strong, but he annoys me.”

“How does he annoy you?”

“He just does.”

“Please try to elaborate on it.”

“Urgh. I just don’t get it! He attacked the guild. He is backhanded and pinned little Levy to a tree. He is cruel and mean. He is never polite. He never tries to be friendly. But still he…” Laxus huffed in anger. Sparks jumped over his skin.

“He what?”

“He still connects!”

“How does he connect?”

“Levy fucking forgave him! Shit, I’m pretty sure she is in love with him. I don’t get it. How the hell does he have so many friends?”

“Would you rather he did not have friends?”

“That is not what I am saying.”

“What are you saying, then?”

“Just…Why don’t I?”

“Why does he have friends and you do not?”

Laxus grumbled in answer.

“You do not connect with your team, then?”

“Sometimes.”

“When?”

“When we fight.”

“With each other or alongside each other?”

“Alongside each other. But also with each other. When we spar and really go all the way, go all out and push each other, I feel it.”

“Feel what?”

“The connection.”

“Could you describe this connection to me?”

“It is like I know what they will do before they do it. I feel their magic, the way it interacts with my own.” Laxus looked down at his hand and ran his thumb over the tips of his other four fingers.

“What was that just now? A memory?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Please help me out. Tell me about the events you just remembered.”

Laxus gave an exasperated sigh. He crossed his arms over his chest again. “It was just practise.”

“What were you practising?”

“Bickslow took over my soul. He was practising his control, fine-tuning it, how to move someone, to get them to act on his command.”

“What did he make you do?”

“Just attack a dummy. And…dance a little. For the finer movements, is all.”

“And how did that feel?”

“Weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Just weird, alright?”

“It bothered you. But it also excited you.”

Laxus’s eyes went wide. “It did not! Get out of my head!”

“I apologise if I startled you.”

“You did not startle me!”

“Would you like something to drink? My throat is a bit dry. I think I will have some water.”

Laxus growled at the diversion.

“Nothing?”

“Whiskey.”

“No alcohol, I am afraid. It dulls the mind. I do have a smokey tea you might enjoy.”

“Whatever.”

“Is that a yes?”

Laxus nodded in answer.

“Here you go.”

Laxus accepted the warm cup. He smelled the brew. It was smokey alright. It was intense and dark. “Lapsang souchong?”

“You have had it before?”

“Bickslow introduced me to it.” Laxus took a sip. He closed his eyes for a moment.

“He seems to have a calming effect on you.”

“It does.”

“He does.”

Laxus looked up with a frown.

“I know you aren’t entirely comfortable with it, but I really would like to return to the training we were talking about before.”

Laxus sighed. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Everything is connected. Your past, your present, and your future. Your magic, your soul, and your memories.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

“So, Bickslow was controlling you and it felt weird?”

“It did.”

“Can you describe this feeling with more words?”

Laxus set the cup down. The intense smokey scent still wafted up to him. It brought everything back far too vividly. “I was mortified.” Laxus sighed. “When I agreed to it, I never thought that I would actually loose control so completely. He had me in the palm of his hand. He pulled my strings, and he did it with such precision. He could have made me do anything, anything at all. He could take over a big part of my magic, just by mimicking the motions, the attacks. He could have…”

“What could he have done?”

“He could have killed me.”

“Do you think that he would be capable of that?”

“He would be. He is strong.”

“I meant emotionally. I understand you two are close. Do you believe he could hurt you?”

“I could hurt him”, Laxus answered.

“You could?”

“Yea.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I have done it before.”

“When was that?”

“Before.”

“Before the takeover?”

“Yea.”

“What did you do?”

“I attacked him. I was no better than his village.”

“Yet he is your friend.”

“He is stupid.”

“Is he?”

“No.”

Laxus looked up and realized he had been in a haze. Anger boiled to the surface. “What the hell?!”

“That was good, every good.”

“How was that good?!”

“I understand a little more now.”

“Do you now?!”

“I think so. Tell me, do you think you would be capable of hurting your family?”

Laxus averted his eyes. “I have.”

“Would you do it again?”

“Never.”

“Why do you think Bickslow would hurt you?”

“I don’t.”

“You just said that he could.”

“But he wouldn't.”

“You trust him.”

“I do.”

“But letting him control you scared you.”

“I…” Laxus scoffed and looked out the window. “I was not scared.”

“Mortified.”

“That’s different.”

“How is it different?”

“It just is!”


	2. Touch

“How are you feeling today?”

“Tired.”

“Still?”

“Still.”

“Would you say it is about the same? Or has there been some small improvement?”

“It’s worse.”

“Did anything in particular happen since we met last that may have caused you to be tired?”

“Not really.”

“Just the usual day to day?”

“Pretty much. It is just exhausting to keep in control.”

“Have you had any further lapses?”

“No. But that’s only because I keep controlling it.”

“Have you relaxed at all?”

“How could I?”

“Not even when you’re alone?”

Laxus grumbled. “It is much harder to get the control back once it lapses. So I decided not to let it.”

“I see how that would be tiring.”

Laxus sighed deeply.

“What is that you are feeling?”

“Nothing.”

“You are feeling helpless.”

“As if! It’s just…” Laxus clicked his tongue. “No matter what I do, there is no escaping it. I could use a break, but there is none to be had.”

“You cannot escape yourself.”

Laxus nodded a little. He draped one leg over the other. “For your information, you were wrong. I am not scared of Bickslow.”

“Oh? How did you find this out?”

“I let him control me.”

“And it was not uncomfortable?”

“It was not scary.”

“Was it uncomfortable?”

Laxus huffed. “Maybe a little”, he admitted. “But that is just because I am not used to it. I am not used to being out of control.”

“I see. What made you want to try it again?”

“Your nagging.”

“Which part of it?”

“You are terribly annoying, you know that?”

“Will you answer my question?”

“You said I was scared. I am not.”

“Did you feel a need to disprove me?”

“I don’t need to prove anything. Least of all to you.”

“So why did you feel the need to try it again after my comment?”

Laxus clicked his tongue. “Look. I just tried it, alright? And it was not scary. So there is that.”

“Alright. What did Bickslow think of it?”

“Of what?”

“Your suggestion to try it again.”

Laxus shrugged. “He was glad for the opportunity to practise.”

“I see. He is a soul mage, right? Can he read souls?”

“Not very well.”

“So he would not be able to sense your emotions?”

“No.”

“Interesting. You said that you feel connected to your team when you spar. Do you feel this connection when he takes control of you?”

“Sort of.”

“How sort of?”

“I know what he will do, because he is in direct contact with my soul.”

“But?”

“But nothing.” Laxus sighed. “Just that it doesn’t seem like he feels it.”

“You don’t think he feels you when he is connected with your soul?”

“Not the way I feel him.”

“What makes you think that?”

“He is always perfectly calm.”

“And he wouldn't be calm if he felt you?”

“There should be some reaction, right?”, Laxus questioned.

“What sort of reaction?”

Laxus shrugged. “Some indication that he knows what is going on with me.”

“What is going on with you?”

“I just mean that he should be able to tell if I am comfortable or not.”

“Can you tell if he is uncomfortable?”

“He never is.”

“Everyone is uncomfortable at some point.”

Laxus was about to protest, but thought better of it. “Perhaps.”

“So you haven’t noticed him being uncomfortable?”

“Not really.”

“If you can’t tell when he is uncomfortable without him telling you, then how is he supposed to be able to tell when you are uncomfortable if you do not tell him?”

“Very clever, turning my words against me.”

“I am not trying to turn anything against anyone. I am just asking questions.”

“Sure you are.”

“This is not a battle, Laxus. Try to relax. We are just having a conversation.”

“Whatever.”

“You mistrust me.”

“You think?”

“Why is that?”

“You creep into my mind.”

“Is my ability to read souls not why you are here?”

Laxus huffed. “You could have warned me first.”

“Most people find it disarming when it is gradual. If you prefer, I can be overt about it. Would you please relax so I can search your mind?”

Laxus crossed his arms over his chest, but leaned back. “Fine.”

“Relax your arms and shoulders. Take a deep breath.”

Laxus did as he was told. He noticed the same haze as the day before wrapping itself around his mind. He did not fight it.

“We talked about your lacrima yesterday. Can you tell me a bit more about how it makes you feel to have it?”

“It is useful.”

“But?”

“But I would prefer it if I could have my own magic.”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t want to be dependant on it.”

“Why not?”

“Dependence makes you weak.”

“In case it stops working?”

“Or someone removes it.”

“Who would do that?”

“My father.”

“Did your father ever hurt you?”

“We fought during the Grand Magic Games.”

“And outside an arena?”

“We used to spar. He was trying to make me stronger.”

“Was he harsh during training?”

“Yea.”

“But he never did anything outside of training?”

“No. It was all words.”

“What sort of words?”

Laxus exhaled hard. “Demeaning words. I was too weak, too whiny, uncultured, stupid.”

“He said that?”

“In so many words. It was impossible to please him. If I did not live up to his expectations, he let me know, and when I did he mocked me regardless.”

“He mocked you?”

“Yea.”

“How?”

Laxus sighed deeply. “That it had taken me so long. That it wouldn't last. Whatever he could think of.”

“I see. And did you ever think that he was right?”

“Of course I did. I was too young to make sense of it. I took everything he said as fact.”

“And now?”

“Now I know he is the one who’s pathetic.”

“What makes him pathetic?”

“He is weak and desperate for attention.”

“What makes you think he wants attention?”

“He keeps attacking, keeps trying to wiggle his way back in.”

“Back into the guild?”

“Into our lives. He should know better.”

“You are holding back.”

Laxus rolled his eyes. “If you say so.”

“A wish. Your father should do something else. What do you think he ought to do instead?”

“He should just fuck off.”

“And do what?”

“Anything. I don’t care.”

“You are lying to me.”

Laxus sighed deeply. “I wish he would let it go and accept his banishment.”

“Like you did.”

“Exactly.”

“Why?”

Laxus didn’t answer. He didn’t quite understand the question. He just frowned through the haze enveloping his every thought and feeling.

“Should he let it go so that he stops being a threat?”

“He is no threat.”

“What then?”

“So that I don’t have to fight him again.”

“It worries you to have to fight him?”

“Yea.”

“Are you afraid he might win?”

“No. He is weak.”

“What is your worry, then?”

“I don’t want to fight him.”

“Because he is your father?”

“Yea.” A tear found its way down Laxus’s cheek. “It hurts.”

“Hurst how?”

Laxus raised a hand to chest. After lingering there for a second, he moved it up to his head and pointed at his temple. Finally, he motioned along his scar. “It is easier when he strikes first, but he always looses.”

“These fights don’t seem fair, do they?”

“He keeps starting them.”

“That does not answer the question.”

“It is not fair. He barely puts up a fight. He tries, but he is weak. But he always keeps trying. Stupid. He should know better.”

“Is there anything you try even though it is hard to succeed?”

“I try to connect.”

“Why?”

“Because I am alone.”

“Tell me about that.”

“There are always people at the guild. I like to sit there, to be around them, but there is this wall still. Everyone is talking and connecting around me, but not with me. I don’t know how to do it. I tried to talk more, but I don’t know what to say. I just seem weird when I try.”

“Weird how?”

“Like when I was talking to Evergreen. I had no idea what to say, so I told her about a mission. She said it was strange for me to describe it in such detail.”

“Is it bad to do something strange?”

“No.”

“But?”

“But it is weird. Weird like Bickslow.”

“And that is bad?”

“No. But…” Laxus tensed. His breath shuddered.

“Why are you sad?”

“I wish Bickslow would hit me.”

“Oh?”

Laxus snapped out of his haze. “What the hell are you doing to me?”

“Nothing yet. For now, I am just listening.”

“Why the hell would I want that?!”

“I am not sure. How about we find out?”

Laxus noticed his breathing was far too deep. His heart was racing. He shook his head.

“I think we are closing in on something.”

“Great”, Laxus grumbled.

“How about some tea?”

Laxus scoffed at the offer.

“Do you want to figure this out or not?”

“Yea. Yea, okay. Tea it is.”

“Here you go.”

Laxus exhaled slowly. He raised the warm cup to his lips and closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply. The scent really soothed him. The stone lying on his chest became much lighter. He drank half the cup in one go, before setting it down. The warmth spread through his chest and settled pleasantly in his stomach. A soft touch tingled over his shoulder. He shifted to chase the feeling away.

“What memory was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Please tell me about it.”

“I thought we were going to talk about Bickslow.”

“I think we should explore this for a moment first.”

“Urgh. It was just a touch.”

“What touch?”

“Someone stroked their hand over my shoulder.”

“And how did that feel?”

“Disgusting.”

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know. Some woman.”

“And you did not want to be touched?”

“No.”

“When was this?”

“Years ago.”

“But it still bothers you?”

“Sometimes.”

“When?”

Laxus crossed his arms.

“Bickslow? How does he connect to his?”

“What are you on about?”. Laxus asked irritably.

“Thinking of Bickslow reminds you of this touch. Why is that? Has he ever touched you like that?”

“No! Absolutely not.”

“What might it be, then?”

“I don’t know!”

“Try to relax.”

“Hell no! Leave my mind alone!”

“How about you take a deep breath and tell me about the situations when this memory has bothered you in the past?”

Laxus sat silent for a long moment. Finally he had to admit, “Only around Bickslow.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!”

“May I?”

“What does this have to do with my magic anyway?!”

“Everything is connected.”

“Yea yea yea. You already said that.”

“Yet you asked again.”

Laxus huffed.

“May I?”

“Fine. Whatever.” He took another deep breath and let the scent of smokey tea lull him back into the haze.

“The thought of Bickslow feels very warm.”

“He is very warm.”

“Relax.”

Laxus sank back into his seat. His arms fell loosely to the side, and his head rested entirely against the backrest. The sensation of touch came back, but it was warm, gentle. He hummed softly.

“Bickslow did touch your shoulder.”

“But not like that.”

“Like what?”

“In that disgusting way.”

“What way was it, then?”

“It was nice. Safe.”

“When was this?”

“A few times.” Laxus closed his eyes.

“Alright?”, Bickslow asked softly.

“I’m fine”, Laxus grumbled. He looked up and met the deep red eyes.

Bickslow smiled. He moved his thumb a little, rubbing over Laxus’s shoulder.

Laxus opened his eyes and the wooden roofing came back into view. “I forgot about that.”

“He was checking on you.”

“Yea. He always takes a hold of me when he does.” Laxus frowned deeply. “But it is nice.”

“Quite the contrast.”

“Hm. I guess so.”

“He feels good, so your mind wanders to the contrast you have experienced.”

“That is fucking stupid.”

“Why is that stupid?”

“Because it felt terrible. Why would I want to remember that when something is nice?”

“Our memories are often not under our control.”

Laxus grumbled to himself.

“I am curious why you would wish for Bickslow to strike you. His presence is soothing and his touch is warm. Why are you sad about this?”

“I don’t know.” Laxus was genuinely confused, confused enough to let his guard down, he realized. “Find out.”

“Do feel free to finish your tea.”

Laxus picked the cup up again. They sat in silence while he slowly savoured the taste, and more importantly the smell. When the cup was empty, he set it down on the coffee table.

Bickslow smiled at him from the other end of the couch. “Good, right?”

“It’s nice. Flavourful.”

Bickslow stretched out a little and pressed a foot against Laxus’s knee. To his own surprise, Laxus didn’t really mind. He looked down at the blue sock.

“I figured you might enjoy it, since you like smokey whiskeys most.”

Laxus placed a hand on Bickslow’s foot. He wasn’t really sure why. It was as though he was watching himself take action without having any influence over it. Bickslow’s foot was warm through the thin cloth. He wiggled his toes playfully. Laxus looked up and spotted the tattoo on Bickslow’s face. Reminded of the injury it covered up, he felt his heart lying heavy in his chest.

Bickslow crooked his head in confusion. “What’s wrong?”

Laxus sat up with as start. He exhaled hard and shook his head. “Stop. Stop that.”

“You figured it out.”

Laxus sighed. “I wish he would just have the basic fucking decency to be angry with me.”

“What for?”

“Because I failed him.”

“How did you fail him?”

“I didn’t protect him. I should have been there for him. I should have been there, dammit! Instead I…”


	3. Guilt

“Idiot! Why the hell would you get caught like that?!”

Laxus clenched his jaw. Lightning danced all around him. He was so angry. His head hurt. His stomach complained. Something sharp was digging through his chest. He was so angry, he felt like he might implode!

“I’m sorry.”

Bickslow was shivering. He curled together like a baby. His arms were crossed over his head protectively. He cried. He tried to be quiet, but his whimpering was loud enough for Laxus to hear.

“Shut up!”

Laxus balled his hands into fists. He couldn’t stop himself. What the hell was he doing?! He reeled against himself. He tried to back away, to turn away, to do anything other than raise his arm.

“Get up already!”

Bickslow yelped in pain.

Laxus froze. An uncomfortable pressure built in his throat. He wasn’t sure if he was about to vomit, or if his magic was leaking again.

“What did you do?”

“I don’t know.” Laxus shook his head. “I feel sick.”

“Take a deep breath.”

Shuddering, Laxus inhaled deeply. The scent of smokey tea blurred his surroundings. It masked the blood. His head hurt so much! He closed his eyes.

“Are you alright?”

Laxus frowned. He opened his eyes and found himself amidst a field of flowers. The cold damp cavern was gone. He looked at the hand resting on his shoulder. Then he peered up. The sunlight was harsh. Laxus squinted. Bickslow crouched down beside him and he got a clear view of Bickslow’s face.

He was smiling as usual. A web of singed skin had turned the bridge of his nose black. Where his skin had been torn, the blood had now coagulated and scars began to form. Laxus’s eyes went wide. He felt his heart sink into his stomach. He turned away and brought a hand up to cover his mouth.

Bickslow crooked his head in confusion. “What’s wrong? Ate something bad?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Why do you lie to him.”

“Shut up.”

Flopping down beside Laxus, Bickslow exhaled hard. He reached for something nestled among the flowers and held it up. “I just finished it. What do you think?”

Laxus looked at the figurine Bickslow had carved for his new soul. The puppet grinned at Laxus. He jerked back.

The cushioned armchair pressed against Laxus’s back. He looked around the room wildly. Nothing had changed. Bickslow was nowhere to be seen. There was no cave and there were no flowers, just the cup of Lapsang. A drop of water fell on his chest. He noticed first then that tears were running down his face. He brought his hands up to wipe them away. Taking one of the tissues from the box placed so irritably close to him, he blew his nose.

After throwing the tissue away, Laxus crossed his arms over his chest and stared out the window. His heart was still beating far too hard. His skin felt sticky. He wanted nothing more than to slink away and escape into the woods, to let the magic creeping up his throat out in one angry roar. He inhaled slowly and forced the lighting back down.

“Thank you for letting me see this.”

“Whatever.”

“So he got a tattoo to cover up the damage?”

“He said he didn’t want to be reminded of it every time he looks in the mirror.”

“But seeing the tattoo still reminds you.”

“I guess.”

“Have you ever told him that?”

“Why the hell would I want to remind him?”

“It is not about reminding him. It is about communicating your guilt to him.”

“And what good would that do?!”

“It might help you to connect.”

“As if.”

“You doubt me?”

Laxus just huffed in answer.

“Even now, hm?”

“It’s not like you have done anything to actually help me!”, Laxus yelled. “All you do is dig around my head!”

“How can I help, when you keep shutting me out?”

“How am I shutting you out? I keep giving you access, and all you keep doing is bringing up this shit!”

“And why do you think I do that?”

“Beats me!”

“Honesty will get you a lot further a lot quicker. I thought you were impatient for results?”

“You want honesty? How about I fucking hate being here and I fucking hate you.”

“That’s a start.”

“You’re seriously weird.”

“Thank you.”

Laxus couldn’t stop the hint of a smile creeping to his face.

“You really like to fight, don’t you?”

“So what?”

“You have an interesting sense of humour.”

“If you say so.”

“Tell me about the soul.”

“What soul?”

“The one that smiled at you.”

Laxus sighed deeply. “Pappa.”

“Where did he find Pappa?”

“It was…” Laxus swallowed hard. “In the cave.”

“Where he was captured?”

“Where he was taken after his capture.” Laxus waited for a moment, but there was no new question coming. Uncomfortable with the silence, he eventually filled it. “Someone died in there. The soul approached Bickslow when he was down there. It attacked him. It nearly killed him. Yet he took it in. He took that little monster and gave it a home.”

“You did not approve.”

“No.”

“Does Pappa scare you?”

“No.”

“Really?”

Laxus glared into thin air. “Maybe a little. Not that I couldn’t kill it, but it nearly got Bickslow.”

“You were scared for him.”

Laxus shrugged a little. “But it’s under Bickslow’s control now.”

“How did he control it?”

“He defeated it.”

“So it attacked him. He defeated it. Then he forgave it and offered it a home. And you do not approve.”

“That’s what I just said”, Laxus confirmed irritably.

“What do you feel about all this?”

“What?”, Laxus asked in confusion. “I don’t like it. You just said it yourself.”

“You don’t like Pappa?”

“No.”

“But Pappa is a part of Bickslow now.”

“I know that.”

“So you do not like a part of Bickslow?”

“That is not the same thing”, Laxus protested.

“Isn’t it?”

“You are so annoying.”

“I trust you know how soul magic works.”

Laxus crossed his arms over his chest. “Some of it.”

“Then you know that Pappa truly and entirely is part of Bickslow.”

“Yea”, Laxus sighed. “I know.”

“Are you angry?”

“I guess.”

“Are you scared?”

“We went over this already. Bickslow controls that beast now.”

“Are you sad?”

“Why would I be sad?”, Laxus questioned.

“I don’t know.”

“That doesn’t even make sense.”

“You do not cry often, do you?”

“Of course not!”, Laxus scoffed.

“Why not?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Why do you avoid crying?”

Laxus grumbled a little.

“If you push me out, I cannot help you.”

Laxus clicked his tongue. “It’s weak.”

“Crying is weak?”

Laxus nodded in answer.

“Do you really think that?”

“No. But I feel like it is.”

“What do you mean?”

“I know in my head that it isn’t. I was taught that crying is weak, that boys don’t cry. It’s nothing but toxic ideas. It makes no sense. Emotions don’t make you weak. Hell, for all we know, magic is based on emotion. But I was brought up with these toxic ideas and now it feels weak to me.”

“Is it weak when Bickslow cries?”

“No.”

“But when you do?”

“Yea.”

“Is Bickslow not a man?”

Laxus groaned irritably.

“Is Bickslow not strong?”

“Like I said, it doesn’t make sense. I don’t think that. I just feel it.” Laxus ran a hand over his forehead.

“Hurts?”

“I feel like my head is about to explode.”

“I want you to lie down.”

Laxus frowned. He looked around the room.

“On the floor.”

“Urgh. Fine.” Laxus got up from the armchair and sat down on the rug instead. It was thin, but surprisingly soft. He lay back and looked up expectantly.

“Close your eyes.”

Laxus closed his eyes and sighed. He could hear movement in the room. Steps on the carpet. A rustle. A hand came to rest on his forehead. He entwined his fingers and rested them on his stomach. A tingling sensation crept over his face and down his neck. He squirmed against it, but made an attempt to stay still.

“There.”

Laxus looked up. Bickslow was sitting over him, smiling as happily as ever. It nearly broke his heart. Laxus turned away and got a face full of flowers. He sat up.

“That should help.”

Laxus got up off the rug. Indeed, the pain had subsided for the time being. “What was that?”

“You can’t tell?”

“No.”

“Perhaps you will in time.”

“Why do you speak in riddles?”

“Why do I?”

Laxus hummed to himself. He looked out the window again. Standing, he could see more than the edge of the roof and the blue sky above. Outside was a small yard, with a single tree in the middle. “There is something I don’t understand.”

“What is that?”

“Why flowers?”

“There were none?”

Laxus shook his head. “I have no idea what that place was. It felt familiar, but I don’t recognise it.”

“Interesting. Our minds tend to fill in the gaps when necessary. Perhaps you will remember where you have seen it someday.”


	4. Control

“What did you do to me?”, Laxus demanded.

“What do you mean?”

“You messed something up. Undo it.”

“Why don’t you have a seat and tell me all about it?”

“I don’t want to sit down!”

“Then I don’t know how to help you.”

Laxus snorted indelicately. “Of course you don’t.”

“Please, do have a seat.”

Laxus sat down hard and glowered across the room. “Undo it.”

“What?”

“Whatever you did last time, when I lay down.”

“I don’t think you want that.”

“You know nothing about what I do and do not want.”

“Why don’t you tell me what bothers you?”

Laxus clenched his jaw. He turned his head away.

“I haven’t seen you this defensive since we started. Just what happened?”

“Like you don’t know!”, Laxus snapped.

“I assure you that I do not. I could pry it out of you, but you have made it quite clear that you are not comfortable with my magic. How about you tell me instead?”

Laxus was so angry. He was feeling hot. He shrugged his coat off. “I have completely lost it.”

“Lost it?”

“When I had dinner with Freed and Evergreen, I couldn’t shut up. I just kept on talking. It was as though I was drunk.”

“And?”

“And that is not normal!”

“Is it important for you to be normal?”

Laxus frowned in confusion.

“If I am not mistaken, your normal was your magic misbehaving.”

“That was not normal. That is why I came here.”

“So you never lost control before this year?”

“No.”

There was a long silence. Laxus felt his mind clouding over. He shook his head. “Stop that!”

“What about the cave?”

Laxus tensed. “What about it?”

“You choose to hurt Bickslow? Really?”

Laxus clenched his jaw so hard it hurt.

“Think. What did you try to do? What did you do?”

“What the hell are you insinuating?”, Laxus growled. Sparks flew from him.

“You tried to stop, didn’t you?”

“Of course I would try to stop myself now, seeing that again”, Laxus reasoned.

“That is not how this works.”

“What are you on about?”

“That is not how soul reading works. You had no opportunity to retroactively struggle the way you did.”

Laxus’s breathing deepened notably. “What are you saying?”

“Relax.”

“Hell no. Tell me.”

“I need you to relax.”

“Fucking hell. Just tell me!”, Laxus yelled.

The ground gave way under him. He fell backwards and hit the water with a loud splash. He sat up and coughed. Laughter echoed in his ears.

Freed was standing nearby. His pants were cuffed and his feet submerged. Amusement shone in his eyes. He was laughing heartedly.

A blush flared over Laxus’s cheeks. He growled in the back of his throat. Electricity sparked through the water.

Freed jumped out of the pond and shook his leg. “Sorry. You just looked so…pfft.” He began laughing anew.

Laxus rose to his feet. He stood in the middle of the room. His feet felt wet even though we was standing on the rug, his shoes back on. He balled his hands into fists.

“Hm. As I thought.”

Laxus sat back down. He deflated into the seat. He couldn’t believe it. “Has it always been like this?”

“Since your lacrima implant, most likely.”

“Why the hell wouldn't I notice it?”

“You were preoccupied.”

Laxus swallowed hard. “Can you fix it?”

“No.”

Laxus sighed dejected.

“But you can.”

“How?”

“Lets start by you telling me what upset you so much today. It wasn’t just dinner with your friends, was it?”

“No”, Laxus admitted. He felt a little dizzy. Raising a hand, he warned, “Don’t you dare.”

“Talk to me, then.”

“Bickslow came back from his mission earlier today. When I saw him…” Laxus shook his head. “I cried.”

“Oh?”

“You sound mighty pleased”, Laxus accused.

“It does seem like a good sign.”

“How is that good?! That is weird!”

“Why is it weird?”

“I had no reason to!”

“Didn’t you?”

“No!”

“Are you quite sure?”

Laxus groaned. “I am sure.”

“What about the cave?”

“Why do you keep bringing that up?!”, Laxus barked.

“What about Pappa?”

“What about it?”

“You keep saying ‘it’.”

“And?”

“Pappa is a soul. Pappa is part of Bickslow.”

“What’s your point?”, Laxus demanded.

He was once more met by silence. How he detested these moments. This time he refused to engage. He kept silent. He hooked one leg over the other, leaned back, and glared impatiently.

“Have some tea.”

Laxus exhaled hard. “No thanks.”

“Then leave.”

Laxus frowned. “What?”

“The closer we get, the more you fight me. I know you enjoy battles, but I find them tiring. I do believe I have indulged you quite enough. So submit or leave. I am done playing.”

Laxus tensed. He eyed the cup of tea. He couldn’t afford to have his magic jumping all over the place. He needed his control back before he hurt someone. Again. He lifted the cup to his lips.

“You really like it, huh?”

Laxus glanced over the rim of his cup.

Bickslow drew his feet up on the couch. “The tea?”

“Ah, yea. I guess I do.”

“You seem distracted.”

Laxus hummed a little.

Bickslow stretched out and pressed a foot against his hip to get his attention. “What’s on your mind?”

Laxus closed his eyes and sighed. He inhaled the scent of the tea. When he opened his eyes again, he found a glass of whiskey in his hand instead. He looked down over the railing.

Bickslow set his bag down at their usual table and looked around. Pappa turned toward Laxus, and a moment later so did Bickslow. He waved a hand. Laxus nodded in answer.

Evergreen strode across the guild hall and gave Bickslow a tight hug. Freed was not far behind her. The three of them spoke a few words and laughed. Laxus felt his chest constrict. He turned away.

“What are you thinking?”

“They never hurt him.”

“But you did.”

“I did”, Laxus concurred. “I hurt him, but I know he wants a hug from me as well.”

“Why don’t you give it to him?”

“How can I?”

“What is stopping you?”

“I hurt him.”

“And?”

Laxus sat down. He rested his back against the railing. Guilt tore through him. Pressure built in his throat. He felt as though he might vomit, or worse. Electricity sparked through his hair.

“Are you alright?”

Laxus looked up only to find himself in the field of flowers again. Bickslow was crouching beside him, one hand on his shoulder. Laxus could swear he was crying. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks, but Bickslow didn’t seem to notice. Bickslow couldn’t see his anguish.

Bickslow sat down in the field and reached for something nestled among the flowers. He picked up a stuffed toy. Holding it against his chest, he closed his eyes.

Laxus frowned to himself. He turned his head. Nearby stood several tall stone statues. Each one had a colourful coat of paint. Most of the statues grinned or gasped. One of them had a deep frown.

“The Midi boarder”, he realized.

“What is Bickslow hugging?”

Laxus glanced over. Bickslow was suddenly so small. He was as thin as a twig. He was lanky and awkward. And he was covered in cuts and bruises. The flowers around him were dotted red. Laxus reached out for him.

Bickslow jerked violently. He curled together. He held onto the toy like it was his only lifeline. Peppe looked back at Laxus in despair.

“His first puppet?”

“Peppe.”

“What is causing Bickslow so much pain?”

A heavy blow met the back of Laxus’s head. He shot up and turned around. They were surrounded by strangers. The men and women were tall, taller than any of them. And they were armed. Freed pulled his sword. Evergreen called forth her magic as well. Bickslow whimpered in fear. Anger boiled in Laxus.

“What the hell are you doing?! Leave him alone!”

The air became statically charged around him. A loud rumble shook the ground. Lightning struck down around them in a violent storm.

“That wasn’t you, was it?”

“Even now?”

“Seems like it.”

“Why?”

“Could it be that you held onto your anger because it helped you unleash this sort of magic?”

“Maybe.”

“It is time to let go.”

“How will I be able to protect my family, then?”, Laxus questioned.

“You have strength. What you need is control. But you will never be able to learn that if you keep clinging to your anger.”

“But how?”

“Let go. Take a page from Bickslow’s book.”

Laxus turned to the bundle of tears that was young Bickslow. He stroked the messy blue hair out of Bickslow’s face. Bickslow’s eyes were shut tightly. He was scared to death. Laxus wasn’t sure how, but he knew. He could feel it, deep down in his core. But there was something else. Bickslow was scared, but he was more worried about Peppe, about the little soul fluttering around in his embrace. His feelings for the being were so strong, so protective. Laxus gasped for breath.

Laxus shook his head. He frowned down into the tea. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why does he care so much about them?”

“You will have to ask him that.”


	5. Longing

Laxus stared at the puppet resting in the grass in front of him. The painted face was smiling up at him tirelessly.

“Alright there?”

Laxus took his eyes off Pappa only to glance at the hand now resting on his shoulder. It retreated at once. Bickslow leaned back, giving Laxus space.

“Why do you care so much about these souls?”

Bickslow frowned at him. “Why wouldn't I?”

Laxus shook his head. “I’m serious. Bickslow, why?”

Bickslow shrugged a little and looked out over the clearing. “I don’t know. I just do.”

“Think”, Laxus urged.

“What does it matter?”

“It just does.”

Bickslow was tense. He played with a few blades of grass, letting them slip between his fingers. He was uncomfortable, Laxus realized. But why? Laxus leaned to the side to get a look at his face. Bickslow’s eyes were glowing a little, yet his puppets were all still.

“Bickslow?”

“Hm?”

Bickslow repressed his magic and turned his head. He eyed Laxus from head to toe. Then he met the orange eyes, searching them curiously. Laxus felt a soft nudge in his mind. Having experienced it many times before now, he relaxed and let the haze sweep in.

“It would mean a lot to me if you could tell me.”

Bickslow’s eyes widened. He looked away and the contact broke. “Sorry.”

“No. It’s fine. I let you.”

Bickslow frowned down at Peppe. The puppet was lying in the grass, its gaze lost somewhere in the clouds.

“Why are you so curious now all of a sudden?”

“I just…need to know. Please.”

Bickslow picked Peppe out of the grass and held the soul against his chest. “They are me.”

“I know they are connected to you, but why do you take them in to begin with?”

Bickslow shook his head. “You don’t understand. They are me.”

“What do you mean?”

“They are my emotions.”

“They are wandering souls, right? How can they be your emotions?”, Laxus asked.

“They need a connection. When an emotion becomes too much, it can be shared with another soul. I save them and they save me. They anchor me. They make it possible for me to get a hold of myself. It is like the world around me becomes more solid, more real, for every baby I find. Without them…” Bickslow hesitated.

“Without them what?”, Laxus urged.

“Without them there would be no point.”

Laxus swallowed hard. “No point to what?”

Bickslow whispered his answer. “Life. Being alive.”

Laxus exhaled far too hard. He had noticed the different emotions on the puppets before, but he always thought it was merely an expression of their personalities. He looked at the five faces. A smile. A gasp. Wide eyes. Bared teeth. A frown.

“You were clutching Peppe when we found you.”

“Peppe is my sadness. I couldn’t deal with reality, so Peppe came to me and saved me. With Peppe, I don’t drown.”

Laxus eyed Pappa again. The puppet was still grinning up at him with the same enthusiasm. He was afraid to ask. Hell, he was terrified. But he had to know.

“What about Pappa?”

Bickslow tensed. He averted his eyes again. “What does it matter?”

“Bickslow, Please.”

“Is this why you asked me to take a walk?”, Bickslow asked. “To question me about my babies?”

“Yea”, Laxus admitted.

“Why would you do that?” Bickslow sounded so hurt.

“Because I need to know.”

“Know what?”

“Back in that cave…”, Laxus said. He wasn’t sure how to finish his sentence.

Bickslow shrunk together a little.

“It nearly killed you. Why would you take it in?”

“Pappa was just desperate. If I hadn’t, I would have died for sure. Pappa kept me alive while I waited”, Bickslow answered.

“I am sorry. I should have been there.”

Bickslow glanced at Laxus. His eyes were all bewilderment and worry. Instinctively, he searched Laxus again, and Laxus made a conscious effort to allow it.

Sadness crashed over him. No, not sadness. Loneliness. Abandonment. He gasped for breath. He felt as though he was drowning. He coughed.

Bickslow quickly averted his eyes. “Sorry!”

Laxus cleared his throat. He shook his head. “It’s fine.”

Bickslow drew his knees up, so he was almost curled together around Peppe. His fingers dug into the wood of the puppet’s wings. He clung onto it.

“Bickslow?”

“I was heartbroken.”

“You were?”

Bickslow wiped at his face. “Pappa found me when I was convinced you weren’t coming.”

Laxus drew for breath. “I would never abandon you.”

Bickslow nodded. “I know.”

“Do you?”

Bickslow frowned. “Of course I do.”

“Did you know it back then?”, Laxus pressed.

Bickslow was quiet for a long moment before he finally found an answer. “I guess not.”

Laxus didn’t know what to say to that. He felt sick to his stomach. He inhaled slowly, mindful not to let his magic misbehave.

“You weren’t particularly good at showing your care back then. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if you wanted me around at all.”

“Shit.” Laxus rubbed a hand over his face. “Bickslow, I am so sorry. You have no idea. Not only did I fail you, I hurt you.”

“You lost control”, Bickslow shrugged. “It happens.”

“No.” Laxus spoke firmly. He shook his head from side to side so firmly it made him dizzy. “No. Don’t give me an excuse.”

“Laxus?”

“I hurt you. I am so sorry. Bickslow, I am so sorry. Every time I see your tattoo, I…” His breath hitched.

Bickslow placed a hand back on his shoulder. It was such a warm touch, Laxus shuddered.

“Why are you like this?”

“Like what?”

“This. This soft. Why are you so forgiving?”

“Pappa”, Bickslow said, as thought that had been obvious.

“What do you mean?”

“Pappa is my longing.”

“Longing? But that smile…I thought Pappa was happy?”

Bickslow shook his head. “Sadness. Anger. Fear. Worry. Longing. Pappa is longing. There is no joy.”

Laxus felt his magic soar. He bit his tongue and groaned. His head hurt. The pressure was building quickly now.

Bickslow sat still for a long moment. Eventually, he looked up. Pain contorted his face as well. He reached out, and Laxus realized he was crying again. For some reason, he didn’t feel the need to pull away, to hide his face, nothing. He let go. He took Bickslow’s face in his hands and met his eyes.

Bickslow looked around in confusion. Instead of grass and trees, they were surrounded by a flowering field.

“What are we doing here?”

“I don’t know.”

Bickslow found Laxus leaning over him. Laxus seemed so much bigger than him, so much broader. Lighting danced around them. Bickslow squeezed Peppe in his hands. The soft bunny toy was all he had. He sat up. Freed and Evergreen smiled at him.

“Don’t worry. They are gone now.”

“Thank you.”

“What’s your name?”

“Bickslow.”

Laxus stroked a few strands of hair out of his face. “You don’t need to be scared. We will take care of you.”

Bickslow closed his eyes.

“I meant it, you know.”

“Why are we back here?”

When Laxus didn’t offer him an answer, Bickslow looked up again. Instead of the Midi boarder, he found a dark damp cavern. His chest constricted. He leaned back against the cold wall. His babies were without homes. They were clambering around in the air around him. He could feel them, desperately searching for a hold. Just as he was. He was desperately hoping for a hold, a hand, anything. Anything at all. It had been days now. No one was coming. He was alone, all alone. No one cared about him. No one at all. His magic tore at his skin.

Laxus shook Bickslow. “Come back! I’m sorry! Please! I’m right here! Bickslow!”

Pappa flew up and slammed into the both of them with full force, knocking them both down. Laxus curled around Bickslow. Pappa pressed against Bickslow’s side so hard it had to hurt. Laxus pushed the puppet away. He got between them and gathered as much of Bickslow as he could into his arms. Pappa kept digging into his back, desperately trying to get to Bickslow. Laxus hissed in pain.

Bickslow stirred in his embrace. He looked up and smiled. “Laxus.”

Pappa finally let off and fell back to the ground. Laxus didn’t ease his hold, though. He was aching. All of him was aching for Bickslow.

“Are you alright?”

Laxus frowned deeply. “Me?”

“I’ve never seen you cry before.”

Laxus huffed a laugh. “You haven’t, have you?”

“Never.”

Laxus dropped his head against Bickslow’s shoulder. “I am so sorry.”

“I know. I forgive you.” Bickslow stroked a hand through Laxus’s hair. “You just have to learn to forgive yourself.”

“I don’t know if I can.”


	6. Forgiveness

Laxus felt the grass tickling his neck. He shifted a little, trying to find a more comfortable position. A tingle travelled across his face. He huffed displeased, but held still. The softness of the ground cradled his head, and the pain ebbed away.

“There. How’s that?”

Laxus sighed in relief. “Better.”

“I am glad to hear it.”

Laxus opened his eyes. He looked up at the now familiar ceiling. “Will this ever stop?”

“You are making great progress.”

Laxus got to his feet and looked out at the lonely tree in the yard again.

“Do you like it?”

“What is there to like?”

“I don’t know. You seem to enjoy the view.”

“It is calm”, Laxus responded. “Quiet.”

“In contrast to?”

“My head.”

“I see the appeal.”

Laxus sighed and sat back down in the armchair. He reached for the same old cup of Lapsang and took a sip. “I am growing tired to this stuff.”

“He is right, you know.”

“Who?”

“Bickslow.”

Laxus sighed.

“You ought to forgive yourself.”

“How could I?”

“You are aware that your lack of control has a lot to do with your lacrima implant.”

“So?”

“No one would demand an apology for a broken arm.”

“They would if you beat someone over the head with it.”

“I am serious.”

“As am I. A broken arm doesn’t make you cruel. This broken head is no excuse for how I acted.”

“Elaborate on that.”

“I was a dick. I didn’t just loose control, I let my anger out on other people. Whenever I couldn’t deal with myself, I turned to someone else and hurt them. Like my father. Instead of dealing with my own shit, I was terrible. Unlike…” Laxus exhaled hard.

“Unlike Bickslow.”

“Exactly.”

“You respect him.”

“I do.”

“Despite him being weaker than you.”

Laxus grumbled. “He has a different kind of strength.”

“Hm. So there is another kind?”

Laxus relaxed back. “I guess there is.”

“And you see it in him. You even admire him for it.”

“I guess.”

“But you feel more than that for him.”

Laxus tensed. He shook the haze out of head. “What are you on about?”

“Why do you refuse to forgive yourself?”

“I hurt Bickslow”, Laxus argued.

“And he has forgiven you. He is just waiting for you to do the same.”

“I can’t.”

“Not if you don’t try.”

Laxus shook his head again.

“You hurt your other friends as well, didn’t you?”

“Is that question supposed to help?”, Laxus asked irritably.

“You did, right?”

Guilt and anger made Laxus draw up his shoulders. “Yea. I did. I hurt everyone I have ever cared about.”

“Why are you so focused on Bickslow, then?”

“Because I hurt him the worst.”

“Really?”

Laxus frowned. “What do you mean?”

“It is my understanding that Makarov suffered a heart attack as a result of your attempt to take over the guild.”

“I thought you didn’t follow guild events much”, Laxus challenged.

“I don’t.”

Laxus crossed his arms over his chest.

“When we met for the first time, you were distinctly unwilling to talk about your potential love interest.”

“So what?”, Laxus growled.

Laxus felt the haze spread again. He shook it off, or at least he tried to. As he pushed it out, it only came on stronger. He was about to protest, when a familiar voice grumbled beside him.

“Disgusting.”

Laxus glanced up. Two of the mages from Blue Pegasus were playing footsies at a nearby table. There was something soft in their eyes, something warm and kind. Laxus quickly turned his attention back to the glass of milk in front of him. He could almost hear his heartbeat in his ears.

“Do you see it now?”

“Stop this.”

Laxus merely blinked, and found himself at the receiving end of a punch. He flashed to the side and returned the blow.

Freed fell backwards and hit his head on a nearby tree.

Laxus crossed his arms over his chest and clicked his tongue. “You have got to do better than that if you are going to be of any use to me.”

“You were quite hash as a teenager.”

“Thanks for the commentary.”

Freed clutched the back of his head and winced. “I’m trying.”

“Don’t try. Do it”, Laxus demanded.

Freed looked up at him. There was something familiar in his eyes, something warm. Laxus’s stomach nearly turned.

“Laxus, I…”

“Are you two still at it?!”, Evergreen called. “Mira wanted to have lunch with us.”

“I’m not interested in lunch”, Laxus grumbled.

“Suit yourself. I’m headed back to the guild.”

When Evergreen had left the training range, Freed cleared his throat. “Laxus…”

Before he could say anything more, Laxus took a hold of him and pulled him back onto his feet. “Again.”

“You knew exactly what he was about to say.”

“Stop this.”

“You knew and you didn’t want to hear it. You were scared.”

“I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”

“Liar.”

Freed came at Laxus again, determination burning in his eyes. Nothing would stop him from creating the Thunder God Tribe, not even Laxus himself!

Laxus called for his magic. He let lighting split the boulder Bickslow was hiding behind.

Bickslow raised an arm and his puppets surrounded Laxus.

Not even bothering with the wandering souls, Laxus focused on taking out their source of coordination instead. He thrust his arm out and lighting struck Bickslow right in the chest. He was thrown to the ground and skidded through the sand.

Laxus clenched his jaw. That was stronger than he had intended. He hurried over to Bickslow’s side. There didn’t seem to be any direct damage, but Bickslow was sprawled out on the ground like a starfish.

“Are you alright?”, Laxus worried.

Bickslow blinked up at him for a moment and then burst into laughter.

Laxus frowned deeply. He looked up and realized the five puppets had taken their positions to execute the Baryon Formation. They began to spin slightly. Bickslow had no intention of attacking, but he had every intention to gloat over his victory.

“Cheater”, Laxus accused.

“It worked, didn’t it?”, Bickslow grinned.

Laxus turned back to give Bickslow a piece of his mind, but the look in Bickslow’s eyes gave him pause. He looked as playfully and mischievous as ever, but there was something else, something more.

Bickslow sat up, never taking his eyes of Laxus. He leaned in, really close. “I know it wouldn't work on an enemy, but I just knew that it would work on you.”

Able to feel Bickslow’s breath against his skin, Laxus sat frozen in place. His heart was about to jump out of his chest.

Bickslow nudged the tip of his nose against Laxus’s and grinned. Then he got up.

Laxus felt his heart ache in his chest. It hurt!

“Stop it!”

Laxus found himself back on the familiar thin carpet. He was kneeling on it, and the tea was spilled.

“Would you look at that. I admit, I am impressed. I bet you could break Bickslow’s control as well if you put your mind to it.”

Laxus got to his feet. He was so angry, he was hot all over. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?!”

“What does it look like?”

“So what if I have feelings for him?! That is none of your business!”

“Look at your hands.”

“What?”, Laxus frowned. He glanced down.

“What do you see?”

“Nothing. My hand. What are you getting at?!”

“No leaking magic.”

Laxus looked down at his hand again. “You’re right.” He flexed his fingers. “How?”

“It seems that was the last one of your blockages.”

“Blockage?”

“What do you think I’ve been doing for the past couple of months? Picking your mind for the fun of it?”

Laxus huffed. “At times, I wasn’t quite sure.”

“It is a lot easier to clear the blocks when you are unaware.”

“I see”, Laxus mocked.

“I expected you to figure it out after the first one, but you really are out of touch.”

Laxus huffed in a mixture of irritation and amusement.

“Well, that should be all then. If you experience any further issues, you know where to find me.”

Laxus nodded. He grabbed his coat and stepped over the puddle of tea. He paused in the door.

“Don’t worry about the mess.”

“Thanks.”

“Just make sure to pay my fee in full by next week.”

Laxus nodded. “Will do.”

Adjusting his collar, he walked out of the hospital. The air was warming up now. Spring was upon them. Taking a deep breath, Laxus enjoyed the smell of it, the damp ground, the budding flowers. He shook his head. As much trouble as his magic could cause, it was also a blessing. When all was said and done, he was glad that he had it.

Steered by habit, he walked through the park and toward the guild. Quite a few people were taking advantage of the sunny weather. Evergreen was sitting on a bench with Elfman at her side. Laxus elected not to disturb them.

Reaching the guild, he headed over to their usual table. Freed was busy reading the available missions. No doubt, he would drag the team out on something big any day now, and Laxus as well if he could help it. He was scouring the requests for something difficult enough, yet not too bothersome, and well paid. Laxus found himself not caring much about any of these criteria for once. He was looking forward to it. He was definitively going with them this time. He was going to far more often from now on, he determined.

Bickslow was napping. He was leaning back in a chair, precariously balancing it on one leg. His puppets were bobbing around above him in their usual merry patterns. Pappa grinned at Laxus. Laxus nodded his head toward it in greeting. He even thanked it in the privacy of his own mind for keeping Bickslow alive long enough for him to arrive.

As if on cue, Bickslow woke from his nap. He smiled up at Laxus. “Hey Boss.”

“Hey”, Laxus responded quietly.

“Are you alright?”

Laxus looked down at the hand resting on his wrist. He huffed in amusement. He took the nimble hand in his own, leaned down, and placed it on his shoulder instead.

“Laxus?”

Laxus came closer and nudged his nose against Bickslow’s.

Bickslow was utterly dumbfounded now. “What?”, he whispered.

Laxus slid his visor up and met his eyes.

“I know it wouldn't work on an enemy, but I just knew that it would work on you”, Bickslow teased.

Laxus sat in the dust, holding perfectly still. Laxus was staring back at him like he had seen a ghost.

Bickslow hesitated. He hadn’t expected Laxus to react like this. Laxus had never been particularly flirtatious, but surely he wasn’t ignorant about Bickslow’s feelings for him? Or was he? Did it really shock him that much? Bickslow knew that it was rude to intrude, but taken off guard, Laxus made it so easy. Bickslow searched the orange eyes.

He realized that he was reliving this moment. He already knew what he would find, and it wasn’t going to be pleasant. He wasn’t quite sure why Laxus had brought them back here. Curiosity guided him. There was a dangerous tingle of hope growing in his soul as he explored Laxus’s emotions. To his great surprise and relief, he found a distinct lack of guilt and shame. Instead there was a crisp clarity. There was tenderness. He pressed the tip of his nose against Laxus’s.

Laxus kissed him.

Bickslow sat up properly and the remaining legs of his chair met the ground. He kissed back.

“Took you long enough.”


End file.
